Too Drunk to F
by Fairy Laughing
Summary: Skwiski. Set during Dethwedding. Toki's drunk and the band needs to go on stage, but Skwisgaar has a way to sober him up on time to perform.


**Summary:** Skwisgaar is always having to take care of Toki.

**Warnings:** Terrible ghey sex. Swearing. Non-con.

_Skwisgaar: Wrong! Is consenskuals!_

_Me: Oh really now?*raises an eyebrow*_

_Toki: *bound and gagged* Mmmft!_

_Skwisgaar: *standing behind Toki and immitating his voice* I Tokies. I likes it when Skwisgaar imnpales me ons his magnificient Swedish cock._

_Skwisgaar: Aw, Little Tokies, yous tinkings my cock are magnficients?_

_Skwisgaar: *as Toki* Don'ts be soes moderate Skwisgaar, is reallies nice cock._

_Skwisgaar: Aw, tanks yous Tokies. Woulds you likes to sucks it?I tinks you woulds… *unzips pants*_

_Toki: *mutinous glare*_

_Me: *eye roll* _

**Disclaimer:** All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners (Metalocalypse and associated characters and settings belong to Small and Blancha). The plots (however contrived or non-existent they may be) are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise and no monetary gain is made by this fanwork. No copyright infringement is intended. The toys will be put back in the toybox once I'm through.

**- - -**

**Timeframe: Dethwedding**

**Contains drunk!Toki**

**Beta: PixieStixGirl**

**Little Tokies**

**I: Too Fuck to Drunk**

_**Porter**_

_'Faith sir, we were carousing till the  
second cock: and drink, sir, is a great  
provoker of three things._

_**MACDUFF**_

_What three things does drink especially provoke?_

_**Porter**_

_Marry, sir, nose-painting, sleep, and  
urine. Lechery, sir, it provokes, and unprovokes;  
it provokes the desire, but it takes  
away the performance: therefore, much drink  
may be said to be an equivocator with lechery:  
it makes him, and it mars him; it sets  
him on, and it takes him off; it persuades him,  
and disheartens him; makes him stand to, and  
not stand to; in conclusion, equivocates him  
in a sleep, and, giving him the lie, leaves him._

_- The Scottish Play_

Skwisgaar hated this; he hated always having to be in charge of the little Norwegian guitarist as he frolicked around, enjoying everything while Skwisgaar watched over him.

"Pft," he muttered to himself, "whys it always my responsibalities to be watchings him? He's nots my childrens." Somehow, though, caring for Toki always fell to his shoulders. Or rather, Toki fell against Skwisgaar, clutching his shoulders for support.

"Skwisgaars," he slurred, "I's goings to trows up agains."

"Come on den Tokies, lets finds da batroomhouse so you don'ts messes up your suits… oh wait, yous alreadies dids dat."

Skwisgaar held back Toki's hair while he vomited up the remainder of the alcohol in his stomach. He rubbed the younger man's back and rolled his eyes, "Shesh, yous just don'ts knows when to stop, does yous?"

Toki responded with dry heaving.

"Don'ts holds it well, eidder. Pfft. Yous got de lightweights. Like ladies."

"I's not ladies…" Toki protested weakly.

"Yes yous is. Now I's has to takes care of yous. Agains."

"Nots… don'ts worries…" Toki attempted to string some words together. Then he reached for his drink again.

"I tinks nots," Skwisgaar said, grabbing the drink before Toki could. He downed it in a single shot. "Yous a sloppies mess and we has to be goingks on de stage real soons. We waits for yous to sobers ups some."

Toki made a disappointed sound and sat back, still clutching the toilet seat in one hand. They were in the handicapped bathroom in the church basement/reception hall, a room done in distinctly 'country cosy' style, the only indication of it not being in someone's home the support bar next to the toilet and the paper towel dispenser. A basket of potpourri was on the back of the toilet and a cross hung over the mirror.

"You'd tinks yous never been to weddings before."

"I's has been to manies weddings. Usuallies they not having opens bar."

Skwisgaar nodded, remembering that the kid's dad was a reverend; it wasn't often Toki talked about his parents. In fact, for the first few years of Toki being in the band he had them all convinced he'd been raised by wolves; everyone but Ofdensen believed him given his underdeveloped social skills and buff physique. The ruse turned out to be because he was underage and he didn't want them to contact his parents, but by the time they found out about it he was old enough. "Weddings in Norways not havings open bars? Pfft. Is dildos. In Sweden we does."

"Hows you know dat? You never been to wedding in Sweden."

"I is gone to weddings."

"But you saids you never been in church before."

"Ja, but nots all weddings is in churches."

"Oh. Okays." Toki paused for a while, and then commented, "I's been to lots of funerals too. Dis one time we had a wedding one week and de funeral for de groom de week after. Very suspis…" he hiccuped, "supspisions because he was rich and de brides was very poor," Toki considered that for awhile. "She was a very nice goil though. Very pretty. Had long blondes hairs, like Skwisgaar's. Meybes it was someone else in her families. Not de first time dat happenings in Norway."

"Is brutal," Skwisgaar commented, bored with Toki's rambling.

"Is not ever gettings marrieds," Toki shook his head stubbornly, "Nots in de church and nots outsides de church."

"Oh? Why dat? Scared of de ladies?" Skwisgaar teased.

"Don'ts wants to invite my parents."

"Ja," Skwisgaar agreed. "Is embarassings. And den yous marrieds and yous stucks. All sex is eidder wit her, and marrieds sex is boring, or adult-ry, even if adult-ry is fun."

"You is never marrieds. How yous knows?"

"De marrieds ladies tells me dat."

"Oh. I tought first you learned dat from your mom … but she was never marrieds."

That was slightly below the skull-belt. "Ja?" Skwisgaar responded, jabbing back, "Well, de onlies times yous parents had sex was to makes you. After seeingks yous borns dey decided to nots risk it again." He laughed at his own joke.

"Actuallies," Toki said, grimacing, "I knows my parents are havings sex afters me afters I sees it. I wish I didn'ts."

"Pfft. I sees my moms havingks sex lots of times."

"Ya, but Skwisgaar, your mom is a slut."

Skwisgaar turned red. Normally he was impervious to "your momma" jokes, even going so far as to make them himself about his own mother, but Toki's blasé attitude about it was… something about this entire scenario was rubbing him the wrong way. After seeing how "normal" mid-western parents treated their children, how normal families behaved around one another, Skwisgaar was acutely aware of his background. It was depressing, and Toki was pressing his buttons with all the joy of a three year old on a keyboard. It almost seemed intentional – but given how drunk he was it was hard to say if it was.

"If you hads de weddings and yous mom was dere she probablies make sex wit your new father-in-laws. Meybies your new mother-in-laws too. Or maybe," Toki grinned evilly, the effect slightly ruined by the vomit-bits in his whiskers, "she would had sex wit de bride before yous on de wedding night."

That was the final straw, "Oh. You tinks dat?"

Toki was too far gone to take proper note of the hard edge in his voice," Your mom is slut, Skwisgaar. So's you."

"Slut enough to fuck anyt'ing dat moves, ja?"

"Ya… anyt'ing."

"Evens yous, Tokies?" Skwisgaar moved in now, his anger simmering down into condensed lust. He locked the door to the bathroom with a soft click and turned Toki from seated onto his back on the tiled floor. He crouched low, crawling over towards the younger man like a great hunting cat.

Toki just gave him a confused look.

"I coulds fucks _yous_, Tokies, fucks really hards. Meybes dat would sobers yous up? Ja, it would, I t'ink. We are needing to be on the stage for Pickle's family in less dan half an hour and yous still toos drunks to play de guitars, but meybes sexes will wakes yous up?"

"I don'ts know…"

"Ja, we can'ts be disa-pointings Pickle, now can wes?"

"Skwisga—" Any further protests were smothered with a rough, claiming kiss; not the sort you see in the movies (depending upon what kind of movies you watch, I guess), but the sort that cuts off all speech and leaves your lips feeling like they've been bruised slightly. He pillaged the little Norwegian's mouth with his tongue, exploring it and nibbling on, nearly biting the lips.

He pulled over, leaving Toki panting, "Yous too drunks Tokies, needs to sobers up. I's sobers yous ups. Turns over."

"But…"

"Ja, Tokies, I wants to sees yous butt."

It was a terrible joke, and it took Toki a moment to try to puzzle it out. In the meantime Skwisgaar was busy manhandling Toki over. Normally it would be a difficult task, but with Toki as drunk as he was now the taut muscles were slack and easily manoeuvred into place.

"Oh! You wants to fucks me in de butt."

"No Tokies, I wants to fucks you in de ear," Skwisgaar sighed, rolling his eyes.

"Dat would hurt. Is called skull fucking I thinks. Real brutals."

"Ja, yous rights. Ass fuckings hurts less dan de skulls fuck. We do dat den."

"Hey, waits…"

Alas for Toki, Skwisgaar already had Toki's pants pulled down to his knees and was fondling him with one hand while he undid his own skull buckle with the other. Skwisgaar was a pro at this manoeuvre, being a seasoned bedroom multitasking veteran. He slid a hand up Toki's shirt along his chest, running a hand over the flat abdominals and toying with one nipple, teasing it. Toki's cock twitched into life, the blood flow suddenly redirecting it self downwards.

"Skwisgaar, what are you doings?"

"Shh Tokies, we has to be beingks quiets, okays?"

"Mmmn…" Toki liked what he was doing. Buckle undone Skwisgaar pulled his own pants down, only to his knees; they were working in a limited timeframe here, after all. No time to get undressed. He had to get Toki sobered and a good fuck always sobered him up, so it should work on Toki too. His own cock sprang out, free of the confining black jeans. He drew himself up over Toki, kneeling on either side of him. Skwisgaar pressed against Toki, hard and trembling in anticipation.

"Lubricants…" Skwisgaar muttered to himself, wondering what could work. He sat up straight on his knees for a second to grab the bottle of hand cream next to the sink. A brief glance at the ingredients list – far too many things in it for it to be safe for use on anything really – determined that yes, they could use it as lube.

Not the first choice Skwisgaar had in mind, but it would hurt Toki more to do it without. He squeezed some into his hands and was overwhelmed by the smell. Tropical Dreams? Whatever, he thought, stupid American beauty products. Probably bought at Walmart. Too much fake fragrance, not enough good quality ingredients. It was no wonder they were all so ugly, he thought to himself, all dry skin and sagging asses... unlike the godly firm ass in front of him. Normally Skwisgaar in women preferred a bit more ass than what Toki had; however, in men he enjoyed the toned ones, and Toki's ass like the rest of him, was just that.

"Holds stills," he advised, "dis only moment uncomfies."

"What is you doing now Skwisgaars?" Toki asked, his question answered by the probing fingers; it was momentarily uncomfortable, but he was too drunk to really grasp completely what was going on and at the same time it felt kind of good. Kind of really good, "Oh, dat's nice…"

Skwisgaar slipped in a third finger, stretching with relative quickness. Aware of the time restraints and not willing to forgo his fuck, Skwisgaar used his other hand to pump more of the lotion into it even as he pumped three fingers into Toki. He drew them out, positioning himself on his knees and encouraging Toki to prop himself up.

"Tokies, just bends overs, on your hands and knees, like a dogs… dat's it…"

Toki wagged his ass in the air playfully and Skwisgaar, growling, grabbed it. He drew it towards his hips, carefully positioning his cock in such a way that he couldn't miss the prepared opening. With a grunt Skwisgaar delved into Toki, sliding into the opening just a bit and then using a hand to reposition himself. In the moment in between these actions Toki started cursing in Norwegian and garbled English, but Skwisgaar ignored this, concentrating on the tight heat wrapping around his cock.

"Yous reals drunk, eh Tokies?"

He got a mewl, but no verbal response.

"So nice yous now quiets. I almost t'inks I have to puts cock in yous mouth, but dis is nicer. Is tight… mmngh…"

Toki responded to Skwisgaar with awkward grinding up behind him, tilting himself forward and back on his bent arms and legs. Skwisgaar took up the rhythm with much greater dexterity, not as encumbered by alcohol as Toki was. He had to clutch Toki's hips, those bones that were much closer together on men than on women, reminding him of just what he was fucking.

"Just… fuck… Tokies."

"Likes dis?"

And that voice that reminded him of whom.

Skwisgaar continued, not breaking speed, even as he realized that he was doing just what Toki said he did, screwing anything that moved. That was who he was, right? His mother's son, he thought bitterly. Oh, how she'd love to see this.

Actually, maybe not.

Damn her that she could, without knowing or trying, take away his pleasure from this with fretful musings. But forget her, just forget it… Skwisgaar would give himself entirely to the sensation, the rock and bump and his balls hitting Toki just outside of where his cock was sheathed inside of him, rubbing against that heat, encased in it entirely. Bump and grind, rhythm and motion; Skiwsgaar knew this game. Toki was beginning to pick it up too, his front end turned slightly so Skwisgaar could see the profile of his face. Sweat shone on his forehead and his hair stuck to it. Eyes closed, mouth opened, completely engrossed in the sensation. He would hopefully sweat some of the alcohol out of his system and it would be like a run around the track field, only mentally calming as well.

Damn Toki, not being able to take care of himself, drinking to this state before they had to perform, and then having the balls to accuse Skwisgaar of being, essentially, a man slut. It was true, but there were some things you just didn't say even if you hate the person. Toki was really fucking drunk though, and Skwisgaar was concerned he would bomb the show. They needed their rhythm guitarist, and they needed him not too drunk to play. If that meant Skwisgaar had to wear off some of his energy and bring him out of a drunken haze then damnit, he would take the silver bullet for the team.

Willingly.

Skwisgaar would attempt to get Toki off too, but so far his cock remained at half mast, slightly firm but wilting; this was an effect of the alcohol no doubt, though Toki didn't seem to mind just being fucked. In fact, anything else might distract him from the sensation alone of it, so Skwisgaar continued his driving enjoying the little moans and gasps he drew out of his partner, coaxing and forcing them, telling him to be quiet so they wouldn't be overheard then plunging in his full length, reaching his spot.

Toki nearly screamed with _that_.

Skwisgaar knowing that time was short and that he could bring himself there within a few minutes, picked up the pace and began harder now. Oh, he could play women, but he could play Toki too, gently strumming his fingers across his body to make him sing. But right now he didn't want Toki's body to sing; he needed Toki to scream.

Pitiful gasps erupted from the little Norwegian in time with his thrusting, hard and uncaring of the pain he may be inflicting with it. He thought he may be, but Toki didn't sound like he was in pain.

"Quiets," Skwisgaar hissed, knowing and loving that Toki was having trouble keeping the volume down to a level where their drunken revelries wouldn't be broadcasted to the entire wedding outside. Toki was not quiet while getting action normally, and he was annoyingly talkative all the time, even during sex, especially while drunk.

"Ohs, Skwis…"

"Ja?"

"Cums alreadies…"

Skwisgaar bent over Toki, whispering into his ear, "Where does you wants me to cums?"

"." Toki gritted out.

A few seconds later he got his request as Skwisgaar reached his orgasm, tilting his head back with a low moan. Toki instinctively clenched around him, feeling a growing wetness spread through him, warming him. Skwisgaar released Toki's hips, leaving half-moon indents in the flesh where his fingernails had been. Toki let himself collapse to the cold tile floor, his cheek sideways, while Skwisgaar fell on top of him with a grunt. The Swede was burried in a mess of brown hair, sweat and stickiness and the uncomfortable shirt clinging to him.

They lay like that for a little while, and eventually Skwisgaar pulled out. He tucked himself back into his pants and did up his belt buckle and then turned to Toki. He was out cold.

Skwisgaar made a huffing sound, "Toki, de show! We has to gets goingks. We needs to be in de make ups room," he checked his watch, "two minutes ago. Gets up."

"Mrngle…" Toki mumbled. Skwisgaar filled the plastic cup from earlier with a bit of cold water and splashed it on Toki's face. Toki spluttered and opened up an eye to give Skwisgaar an annoyed look.

"I never gots to…" Toki gestured down at himself, "I's still hard… kind of…"

"Is only little hards on. Pfft, yous too drunks to gets off."

"De show?"

"Covers it wit de guitar, be okay den."

Toki sighed and allowed Skwisgaar to help him up and force a cup of water on him.

"We…" he looked puzzled for a moment.

"You being good to play de guitars now, ja?" Skwisgaar asked.

"Oh, ja."

"Better guitar dan sexes?"

"Was I bads?" Toki asked.

"Ja. Yous so sloppies, all over de place. And loud… phew…"

"Hmm… if adultery sex so good maybes we should gets married, den sex be better. What you t'inks Skwisgaar? We alreadies hates each others guts, just like de marrieds couple."

"Ah…" Skwisgaar opened the door to leave, "we talks about dis after de show, okay Tokies? I is not accepting wedding proposals when yous drunks."

"You had sex wit me when I's drunks."

"Ja, but dat's differents."


End file.
